Please Pray for Melissa
I'm conflicted about someone.
Last September, I began an online program for a certification and I made the acquaintance of a fellow participant named Allen without realizing it. He wanted to stay in touch beyond the program, so we remained in contact after the program ended, talking with each other nearly every day. During this time, Allen began to confide in me about personal matters in his life, such as his concern over his grandfather's health following a stroke, discord between him and his parents, and his engagement in risky sexual behavior with strangers online. Because of actions from a fellow participant of the program, confusion arose between Allen and me about the nature—and direction—of our relationship. Allen was open to a casual dating relationship. However, I preferred our connection remain strictly platonic. Allen broke off contact for roughly two weeks. He initiated contact with me following a breakdown between him and the aforementioned fellow program participant, whom Allen believed had been manipulating him; Allen expressed discomfort over the aformentioned individual becomimg embroiled in disputes with other program participants on a regular basis. Allen and I resumed correspondence at a platonic level over the following month.
In January, a shift occurred between us. Our conversations became more emotionally charged and emotionally intimate. One night, neither of us could sleep, so we stayed up and talked about our shared difficulty of finding something to occupy our time with. We joked about having one another's undivided attention. When I said I wasn't accustomed to that because I usually avoided people, Allen told me he was glad I didn't avoid him. In the weeks following that moment, we grew closer, with Allen taking me into his confidence more and more. I shared with him that my feelings had changed and that I didn't have any expectations of him or the connection between us. Allen admitted that he'd been fantasizing about me, in spite of the fact he'd begun dating someone else after he broke off contact with me.
Over time, he divulged details about his struggles with chastity, prompted by him having been taken advantage of by someone online, which left him with deep trauma. He was battling self-loathing, low self-esteem, and emotional dysregulation, and he expressed disappointment that he had continued doing things he knew were unwise to do. I offered him support and encouragement, and I began to pray for him. After he and his parents contracted the coronavirus and fell ill, Allen made an admission about wanting to be close to me by holding me. Because he'd stated that his illness had left him delirious, I considered his statement to be driven by his physical distress, rather than viewing it as a reflection of any serious affection or interest towards me.
Near the end of his recovery from the coronavirus, Allen ended his relationship and expressed an interest in dating me. He revealed that his parents had known about me since, in his own words, "the first time we were considering romance," but they were concerned about a potential committed relationship due to Allen and me living states apart and there being an age gap between us. Allen, however, dismissed his parents' concerns. Across the few days that followed, Allen behaved as if we were dating, until he stated that he "couldn't remember" if he formally acknowledged we were dating, and he admitted that he was "still putting himself out there" with other people. I told him to "pause everything" with me and anyone else he was trying to date, and I advised him to get clarity about what he actually wanted.
Our correspondence was fine in the days that followed but then he broke off contact again. Even after I shared via text message that my father had passed away, Allen didn't reach out. In an exchange he had with a mutual acquaintance of ours, he mentioned to her that "there was a reason" he chose to break contact again, but he didn't tell her anything about his reasoning, and he admitted to her that he had begun dating a girl closer to his age. I asked our mutual acquaintance if she could pass along a letter to Allen, since Allen wouldn't communicate with me directly. However, she attempted to feign neutrality, while trying to maintain connections with Allen and me. I broke off contact with her and, despite knowing he'd likely not read the letter, I sent it to Allen via email and moved on from the entire matter.
The online certification program is set to schedule a reunion soon, and I'm undecided about whether or not I should attend. However, the greater concern I have is in regards to Allen. Over the last few days, I've thought about him. Just like before when he broke off contact, I've wondered about his safety and well-being, this time hoping that he will eventually abandon his agnosticism and become a Christian. But in addition to that, I've questioned whether or not Allen had been sincere in his friendship to me, and I've wrestled with trying to understand what he was truly thinking and feeling with respect to me. Reflecting on the matter, it becomes apparent our connection wasn't wholly platonic and that something was present but unspoken between us.
I'm not sure where to go from here and what I should do in light of how Allen has handled things. I don't even know if it would be helpful to pray about him, because I don't know where to begin and I'm not sure it's worth a prayer. Maybe the Lord can sort this out, and direct my steps and Allen's steps for whatever good can come from all of this.
Category: Other
Reference: PP-20260509-165164
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